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How to be England boss

How to be England boss

This week, I want to start on quite a sour note. First and foremost, Neil Warnock. I was slowly gaining some low-level of respect for the man, but after his jibes aimed at Watford`s 'physical nature` I`ve lost what I had. I sometimes wonder if he is clinically blind, the comments he comes out with post-match.

The other sour note it Luton Town, it seems that no-one submitted a bid for the Hatters yesterday afternoon, which if this is the case, they are well on the road to liquidation, lets hope though that someone does lodge a bid for what was and can be again, a great club. Coming from a devoted Hornets fan, that is high praise. Sort of.

On a more positive note, it was nice to see Mr Capello familiarising himself with the great stadia of England, Kenilworth Road, perhaps the Withdean is next on his list, followed by Millmoor perhaps?! As the Sun eluded to, the only good English talent on view at the Kennel, was from the home side. Dean Brill, Drew Talbot and Darren Currie all impressed, but if reports are to be believed, the trio could leave to ease the clubs financial plight.

With Fabio now firmly seated in his plush office at Soho Square, it`s time to give Fabio a list of do`s and do not`s of the England job, plus talent for hid first squad.

The Do`s

1. Stick with 4-4-2: No self respecting Englishman plays anything other than the rigid 4-4-2. It`s tradition. Granted the foreign manager generally brings a continental formation to the Premiership and wins, but just do it.

2. Pick players playing well: Nobody will be on your side if you pick players on past glories. It`s simple. Play well - earn an England cap.

3. Jump around like a raving loon: We all like managers who run up and down their technical areas like uneducated, working class nuts. It`s what we`d do and we`re conveying our passion through you Mr Capello.

4. Get a new captain: John Terry has proven on several occasions he is not a role model to look up to, pick someone like Steven Gerrard who bleeds passion for the shirt and also someone who behaves on the field.

5. Be honest: Yes, most of us wanted Beckham out, then wanted him back, then out, then back…and so on, but we aren`t that thick, we know when we`ve played poorly, so don`t tell us it was good!

6. Come us with a stupid catchphrase: It usually helps if you have something you always say, it brings that 'continuity` we always demand, plus we find it funny, cute perhaps even?! 'For sure`.

7. Loose your hair: Change with the times, no-one wants a good looking manager with a good body and good hair. We want someone we can shout personal abuse at when they fail.

8. Appoint a hapless, absent, perhaps undermining number two: Oh, you`ve got your man. Never mind.

9. DO give David Beckham his 100th cap: NO! Don`t! The country is split. "Eenie meenie minie mo…"

10. Finally; Beat everyone, including, no especially Brazil 12-0, 'cos else we aint gonna be satisified.

The Don`t`s

1. Drop David Beckham: Oh, hang on, do, hang on again…I`m confused.

2. Play Steve G and Fat Frank together: They`re useless together, get Owen Hargreaves in the holding role. By the way, 4-1-2-1-2 is allowed, it`s a variation of 4-4-2.

3. Don`t play Hargreaves: He`s our worst player! Or is he…

4. Don`t hand out caps willy nilly: But do experiment in friendlies…?!

5. Don`t go bed-hopping: We love a scandal here in England, but not when it`s a footballer/football man - that`s not allowed, strictly-ish.

6. Don`t get dopey glasses with a tint of blue around the arms: Yes, Fabio, you`re Italian, you`ve style, unlike that Sven pleb…

7. Don`t forget to win the World Cup: Well come on, it`s what you`re here to do, right? We`ve got the best players, stadia, fans, tactics and most money in the world, it`s the minimum expectation.

8. Or the Euros - next time round: Sorry, but we`ve never tasted Euro success, you`re a man of the continent, minimum, minimum target.

9. Actually, win something: I`ve heard the Beds and Bucks cup wants international entrants…Well, we are success starved and have been for 3857504 years now.

10. DON`T, DON`T, DON`T: Bow out in the rain, with a brolly. If anything, strip down to your vest and Calvins and dance around enraged as your second-choice 'keeper drops a clanger…Please lord, not again…

Pick these lads [they were doing well at the time of writing.

1. David Beckham: Best crosser of the ball in the world still. Plus, he`s better looking, so that`ll draw in female viewers and fans!

2. Emile Heskey: He`s the masterplan apparently. Failing Heskey, stick Crouch up top as your big man, he scores every time he goes near and England shirt.

3. Lee Williamson: Well, he`s the best midfielder in England apparently.

Ok, seriously now, have a butch [Cockney for look] at these players

Lee Camp, Robert Green, Joe Hart; Micah Richards, Curtis Davies, Steven Taylor; Ben Johnson, Ashley Young, Gabriel Agbonlahor, John Bostock, Sean Scannell [actually, don`t, don`t give Colin the pleasure] Matty Taylor, Kevin Nolan; Jermain Defoe, Peter Crouch, Ishmael Miller and Kevin Phillips [never too late, is it?!]

Good luck then Fabio!

Keep the faith,

Tom Bodell

Date:Wednesday January 9 2008
Time: 8:57AM

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